Yuffie's Great Grapefruit Debate (or Rant)
by Charles Xavier
Summary: No bones about it; Yuffie DESPISES grapefruits. She despises them so much that she struggles to understand the reason behind their very name with Vincent, who just so happens to have a liking to them. (Yuffentine)


Disclaimer: Don't own FF7, obviously belongs to Square-Enix.

…

Yuffie's Great Grapefruit Debate… or Rant

…

It was another pleasant morning for Yuffie Kisaragi, having just woken up from bed mere minutes before noon. Still half-asleep, she slumped along her corridor and into the kitchen through the open doorway, dressed in nothing but her tank top and underwear. Her bare feet touched the cold tiles of the floor, making her let out a small yelp. She didn't know what time of the day it was nor did she care. She stretched her arms high to the ceiling and unleashed an enormous yawn.

Her mouth dry and her stomach grumbling, the hungry child was craving for food and drink. She leaned over to the fridge, opening by the handle to grab her favorite carton of orange juice. After wall, Yuffie always enjoyed her mornings with orange juice to kick start the day and get her on the go for Materia hunting.

As she opened the carton, still dazed, she felt her stomach growl a second time. She wandered what kind of breakfast she was going to have for the day, so stuck in thought and thirsty she was as she poured her drink down her throat in one go, when…

"PFFFT!" Yuffie spewed profusely on the floor, staining her top and wetting her legs.

It went without saying, but something was very wrong with Yuffie's drink today. She always enjoyed her sweet and fruity juices, but today, things were sour, very sour. Yuffie choked as she wiped her mouth with her wrist and inspected the disgusting concoction in the carton. An unnerved expression of bemusement crossed her face when she noticed the liquid inside cloudy red as opposed to orange.

Vincent Valentine, who had been quietly observing Yuffie dryly in the corner at his table, continued consuming his bowl of cold oatmeal. It was only at this time, when Yuffie came to her full senses, did she realize that was she was not alone in the kitchen. She glanced at Vincent distressfully and pointed to her carton hysterically.

"What the hell have you done to my juice?!"she squealed. Vincent, unfazed by the child's moodiness, remained reservedly seated.

"That juice? Nothing at all." he replied calmly but earnestly, before resuming his late breakfast. "Although for your information, I did have to throw out your carton of orange juice this morning, since it expired over a month ago and it had a bad taste."

Yuffie only frowned in confusion. "Then what the hell am I drinking?! Actually a better question, what the hell are you doing in my house?!"

"To answer your second question first since you insist on knowing, your father called me here to take care of the Marlboros ravaging the village's crops again, and I needed a place to break after the job was done. Now to answer your first question, that in your hand is what would be called grapefruit, something your villagers offered me as an appreciative token."

"Ape fruit?"

"Grapefruit."

"Grape foot?"

"You've never heard of grapefruit?" Vincent raised a brow, with a deadpan stare. Yuffie only shook her head.

"What's a grapefruit?" she asked innocently, completely clueless.

"It's what you're drinking right now… do you like it?"

Yuffie inspected the insides of her carton briefly again before acknowledging the idiotic question: "Oh sure, I love it so much that I have to spew it all over my polished tiled floor…" she paused in sarcasm for what seemed like half a minute, but then snapped. "OF COURSE I HATE IT! This is the worst thing I've ever tasted! Who the hell drinks this sour crap anyway?!"

It didn't take Yuffie long to realize that a glass of the same citrus juice sat beside Vincent's bowl of oatmeal. Vincent casually took a sip from his glass.

"Oh…" grumbled Yuffie.

"There's nothing wrong in trying new things sometimes." remarked Vincent, even encouragingly. "You might grow to appreciate it one day."

That hardly mattered right now. Yuffie's attention was drawn towards the balls of grapefruit on the cooking table in front of her, some of them chopped and freshly squeezed by Vincent earlier. They appeared more like oranges in the exterior, but in the interior, they were of ruby red color, which only baffled Yuffie peculiarly.

"Grapefruit?" Yuffie had to question. Vincent nodded. "Okay, on record, that has gotta be the stupidest name to be ever given to a fruit, period! Why do they call it grapefruit when it looks NOTHING like a grape, let alone tastes NOTHING like one?!"

She reached an arm out to a fruit bowl conveniently next to her on a stool and plucked out a single purple grape from its bunch. "

"You see, THIS here is what you call a grape." she then picked up a half-sliced grapefruit in her other hand and compared the two fruits together analytically. "Now does this grapefruit I have in this hand look ANYTHING like what I hold in my other?"

Vincent refused to answer such a trivial question. Yuffie took the liberty to answer herself, beating the fruits against each other in frustration like two action figures fighting.

"NO! Why would it?! Just look at them! It ain't rocket science! It doesn't take a genius to figure it out! So who in Leviathan's name laughing his ass off thought it'd be such a brilliant idea to name this godforsaken fruit after a freaking grape of all living matters?! GRAPEFRUITS AREN'T GRAPES AND HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM!" Yuffie huffed in stress, getting a little too upset that a fruit has ruined her morning. "You know in fact, I downright refuse to classify this as a fruit thanks to its horrid and putrid aftertaste I'm getting right now!"

"Well…" spoke Vincent in a tone that Yuffie knew she was in for another small lecture from Mr. Know-It-All Capeman. "… technically you're right; they're not grapes. They look like oranges, only bigger, and red inside obviously. But the reason they're given their names is because they grow on trees clustered together, resembling the appearance of grapes."

Yuffie paused, trying to process the information she was given, darting her eyes back and forth between the grape and grapefruit still in her hands. Even if she had heard Vincent correctly, it still did not make any damn sense to her.

"That doesn't make any damn sense to me!" she exclaimed outspokenly. "So what if they look like grapes when they're growing on trees together?! If I just bundled up my entire Materia stash with glue and hung them up on the ceiling, would you call them grapefruits?! NO! And are you color blind?! Look, these grapefruits are clearly yellow and pinky, not purple or green or… whatever else color grapes come in! You can't throw in names to food like that just because they kinda sorta look like something else unrelated!"

"What about eggplants? They're not eggs." suggested Vincent.

"I give THAT an exception because they're pretty damn delicious." admitted Yuffie.

"Okay, do you have a better name for grapefruits then?" asked Vincent curiously.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact I do!" Yuffie claimed.

"Then let's hear it."

Vincent could tell from her face the contrary. This was another time for Yuffie to improvise.

"Blood oranges."

"Taken."

"Erm, sour balls."

"Too vague."

"Icky goopitie-goppities!"

Vincent raised his brow again at Yuffie and very slowly uttered back: "Icky… goopitie… goppities…?"

"Okay, so I suck with giving names!" admitted Yuffie grudgingly. "But my point still stands, and there's NO reason for grapefruits to be called grapefruits! It's false advertising!"

"Well, on another note, typically speaking did you also know that root beer isn't actually beer?"

"WHAT?!" Yuffie gasped in sheer disbelief.

"It's a soft drink and non-alcoholic. Kids drink it all the time."

At that point, Yuffie felt humiliated, even betrayed. "I drank gallons of that stuff last week just to prove to everybody I was a grown-up! And now you're telling me this?!" she cried.

Vincent elaborated to educate his naïve companion more, who by this time had had enough and was only becoming bored.

"Okay, Vince, I'm sick of you playing school teacher here. Class is over. You crashed into my home uninvited and you brought this… this… GUNK into my kitchen and made me drink it!"

"I didn't make you drink it." corrected Vincent validly. "You drank it yourself while you were only half-awake."

"Shut up! Enough with the backtalk!" Yuffie raised her hand, clutching onto a random ball of Materia resounding: "MORPH!"

Nothing… Vincent remained unchanged in form. Yuffie froze in bewilderment, noticing her Materia a little larger in size than usual. It only begged Vincent to ask a rather awkward question:

"Yuffie, why are threatening me with a grapefruit?"


End file.
